I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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