You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
