okay pat passed out under dana's car
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
