remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
