the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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