isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
