Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
