The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
