Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
