Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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