there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
