you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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