My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
