I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
