Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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