that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
