i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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