You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
