I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
