I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
