the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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