Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
