Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
