I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
