I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
