I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
bring money and cleavage
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
