If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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