Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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