Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
