Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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