his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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