I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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