I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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