he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize