It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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