when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
