screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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