Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
