Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
