I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
