The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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