Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
