you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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