You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
