Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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