Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
