i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
