Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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