So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
