When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
