I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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