so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
