I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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