i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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