y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize