I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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