If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
