sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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