My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
