Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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