in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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