Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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